Grand Plans

It's official. I am done with my masters degree. Two years of studying is giving way to a job hunt and the question: "what is the grand plan"? I'm perusing the job market having made the decision to stay in New York for at least one additional year and while many of the jobs look interesting, I keep wondering if they are really going to take me in the direction I ultimately want to go. But that then leads back to the question of where it is I want to go. I already have one main idea that keeps popping up. I'd like to be an international mediator. But that will definitely take time and training and will not be the job I find right now. So what is it that I need to look for now that will eventually lead me there? Hmmm...that is the question, isn't it. Sounds like I need to start setting up some informational interviews.

The Constant Gardner

I watched the Constant Gardner today and was horrified to discover myself feeling like I know nothing about the world. The movie, set in Britain and Kenya tells the story of a diplomat whose wife is killed when she attempts to uncover a corruption conspiracy that reaches high into British diplomacy. I thought of the numerous friends I have who are currently working as development workers in Africa right now. How I can see all of them wandering throughout impoverished towns and attempting to change the world. But then when I try to put myself in that picture, it doesn't fit.

I'm not one that clings to the tourist packages - who'd prefer to see the whitewashed buildings from a tour bus. I'd much prefer to move to a country and live there for a year, doing my best to seamlessly blend into the culture and seeing it for what it really is. And yet, something in me also wants to see the best in people. I don't want to see the corruption. I want to see the best things.

I guess that explains a lot about my 9 months in Jordan. There were times when I was incredibly frustrated with the culture. I saw some of the problems - how real problems were often swept under the rug or people tried to manipulate one another. But overall, I saw a lot of really good stuff. Things that made me adore the country and the culture. And somehow it blinded me to some of the unpleasantries - things that have since become clear to me. For example, it doesn't matter what country you're in, there are men who beat their wives and there are sectors of society where women do not have a space in which to exercise rights. It happens in America as well as every other country on earth. But I didn't want to see that and so it remained hidden.

In the end, I want to work in conflict resolution. I want to understand the journey and needs of as many groups as I possibly can and I want to find ways to enable them to get what they need. But how successful will I be if I have not seen the world for what it truly is?

Homesick

There was just something about today: something about the shade of sunlight, the temperature, and a scent in the air. Something about the woman in Starbucks wearing a stunning sage green abaya and matching veil. Something about finishing a book that reflected on one American woman's assimilation into Iraqi life and how much it pained her to leave. There was just something about today that made me very homesick for Jordan.

Homesick for those afternoons of catching the bus out to the country to visit my Jordanian family. Meeting them at the reconstructed arches on the main road. Sitting in their kitchen eating taboon bread, lebnah, zattar, fresh olive oil, and drinking gallons upon gallons of mint tea. Reclining in their TV room, watching muselsels (mini-series) or sitting in their garden eating fruit right off the branches. Wandering over to another relative's house or spontaneously deciding to drive to visit relatives that lived an hour away. Surprising them with my memory of who was related to whom and how. Just existing the moment with them.

But my homesickness is about so much more than just that. It's for what all of those memories represent to me: a connection so deep it can't be put into a words. A connection that simply assumed I would be present if they were invited anywhere - that just accepted my honor as their honor. An honor to be defended if ever questioned. It was the feeling of simply being - completely, entirely, fully, passionately, and peacefully being. And knowing that that was more than enough.

Virginia Tech

My condolences go out to anyone who lost a loved one or knew someone who lost a loved one at Virginia Tech this week. It angers me to read news articles that repeatedly state things like "there was no indication that this was coming" when teachers sensed something was wrong but school officials did nothing to address their concerns. When did we stop taking warnings seriously?! There's ALWAYS something you can do.

As I listened to the reports, I kept having flashbacks of Christmas at my sister's house. On Christmas morning, my sister was reading her students' Facebook pages when she noticed that one student (a legal alien who had been kicked out of school) was posting suicide photos and notes on his page. She immediately called the department chair in an effort to find out where he was and what could be done. The chairman took care of it, going to great lengths to get the students' most recent contact information and locate him. A few weeks later, I was informed he had been found in time and they had gotten him into a hospital.

I know Seung-Hi was on psych meds already, but still, when a professor notices something is wrong - TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! Don't hide behind the fact that "he has done nothing wrong" because he indeed HAS done something! Perhaps it isn't wrong, but if you don't deal with it now, it will turn into something wrong and unfortunately, as we've witnessed, many more people will suffer.

The Greats

I signed up to take a class this semester from one of the greatest theorists in international politics. Naturally, because he holds this title, everyone else wanted to take his class and so promptly at 2pm yesterday 40 of us crowded into a tiny little lecture hall expecting to be hear a super-human lecture by the super-human man.

Even I, who have been stared down by Muhammed Ali for saying he was no big deal, was expecting a large man that resembled his largely publicized name. I was not expecting, the little old man who sat at the head of the table. I was, however, expecting the buzz in the air and the excited looks on people's faces as they looked around at one another as if to say "I can't believe we're sitting in the same room with this super-human man!" I smiled because to me, it's not about the name, it's about what that little old man has to teach me.

As we sat listening to his lecture, the looks in the room slowly started to change. The looks weren't excited anymore as the reality began to set in: this is just another professor giving just another lecture. I, on the other hand, got more excited as the lecture went on because this man was really living up to his name of genius. He was humble, simple, but profound - everything I adore about a good professor. And then the questions started. Who's theory is this? Why did people think that? And the room was silent.

He continued lecturing on what a theory is. And then came the next statement that wasn't really a question but yet it was. He couldn't remember the second Stephen...the first one was Stephen Weinberg and the second..."Hawkins" I knew it was Hawkins and I said so. One great man trying to remember two other great names. I not only knew both names, I had also heard both of them speak. Long ago, in a subject very far away, I had sat in a room and listened to two other great names speak. And here was the connection. The validation that what I had done all those years ago is still going to take me places in a different subject now.

All things MAC

Last fall I made the best decision of my life: I switched to all things MAC. Already a huge fan of the cosmetics, I decided it was time to expand my love of MAC to the computer as well. And I've yet to regret that decision.

This weekend, my decision was gleefully reinforced. Need I say more?

The Future

With various deadlines for PhD and fellowship applications coming up, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do after I finish my masters degree in May. At the most basic level there seem to be two choices: settle down, or keep living the life of uncertainty. Settling down would mean either entering a PhD program, finding a job and renting or buying a home/apartment.

The life of uncertainty would mean applying for a language program, applying for the foreign service, or deciding to move out of the country again - you know, short-term options.

I have to say that both options have portions that look appealing. Settling down would allow me to create a sense of permanence that I've begun missing a little bit. I'm tired of living with half of my stuff still in MI. I'm getting tired of piecing my life together. But settling down right now also feels like it would be just that - settling.

And that's what's appealing about the life of uncertainty - for a few more years anyway. When I decided I wanted to study international affairs, I wanted to be competitive in the field. And that means having superior language skills. But superior language skills take time - for me, it means 3 more years to be exact. But if I do it right, in three years, I could be so fluent, I would never need further training. And there is something INCREDIBLY appealing to me about that because it will put my biggest dreams within reach.

Clearly, just the lengths of those two paragraphs should indicate which way I'm leaning. But I have some hesitations. What about the rest of my life? What about triathlon? Would I be able to train while I'm away? Would I be able to make my IM08 goal if I'm in a country where I can't exercise outside? Am I dedicated enough to that goal to go after it all?

I know I'll come up with an answer but for right now, there only seem to be questions.